Funny Quotes To Live By – Looking for a good laugh? We’ve got you covered with a huge list of funny quotes that will make you laugh out loud.
Laughter really is the best medicine for your soul. According to Tom Wilson: “A smile is a look anyone can afford!”
Funny Quotes To Live By
Laughter not only reduces stress, but also lowers blood pressure, provides an excellent workout for the abdominal muscles and releases endorphins.
Funny Sayings And Quotes To Live By. Quotesgram
Funniest Quotes I’m tired of following my dreams, man. I just ask where they are going and get back to them later. Mitch Hedberg A pessimist is someone who has to listen to too many optimists. Don Marquis
It is better to remain silent and be considered a fool than to speak openly and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln If I were two-faced, would I wear this? Abraham Lincoln. time.Abraham Lincoln An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you.Dylan Thomas Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people seem brilliant until you hear them speak Alan Dundes The difference between stupidity and genius is that even genius has its limits Albert Einstein
War is God’s way of teaching geography to Americans. Ambrose Pierce If you want your children to listen to you, try talking quietly to someone else. Ann Landers I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re suspicious. Arthur C. Clark Advertisements A smile is a facelift in everyone’s price range! Tom Wilson Bank is a place that will lend you money if you prove you don’t need it. My favorite machine at Bob Hope Gym is the vending machine. Caroline Rhea I’m always late to the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.Charles LambAdvertisements Don’t worry about the end of the world today. He’s in Australia tomorrow. Charles Schulz
Funny Quotes And Sayings About Aging And Getting Older
A day without laughter is a day wasted Charlie Chaplin Political correctness is a tyranny with manners Charleton Heston If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito Dalai Lama Please remember, today is the tomorrow you worry about yesterday. .Dale Carnegie Education Learning things you didn’t know you didn’t know.Daniel J. Boorstin Advertisements Anyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.Emo Philips All the things I like to do are immoral, illegal, or obese. Alexander Woolcott
Never go to the doctor with dead office plants. Erma Bombek Marriage is the only war that sleeps with the enemy. François de La Rochefoucauld The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. .Bill Waterson Advertisements Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to buy it. Gertrude Stein All men are equal before fish. Herbert Hoover People who think they know everything are very angry with those who know us.Isaac Asimov My pessimism extends even to the extent that I question the sincerity of other pessimists.Jean Rostand
Life is hard. After all, it will kill you. Katharine Hepburn Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Lawrence J. Peter Advertising Age is a matter of mind over matter. It doesn’t matter if you don’t mind. Mark Twain I’m only human, though I regret it. Mark Twain When you go to court, you put your fate in the hands of twelve men. evading jury duty. Norm Crosby The world needs more humble geniuses; We have very little left Oscar Levant When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
Posterguy When Life Gives You Lemons Funny Quote Demotivational Quirky Mousepad
I dream of a tomorrow when chickens will cross the road and not be questioned about their intentions. a man is nothing but a poor man with money.V. C. Fields Humanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.Sam Levenson He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – this clearly indicates a political career. George Bernard Shaw Everything is funny if it happens to someone else. Will Rogers Ads
I had plastic surgery last week – cut up my credit cards. Henny Youngman Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. From a comedian
These funny quotes are some of the best we can find from funny actors and comics. The average dog is a better person than the average person. Did you notice that Andy Rooney’s birth control advocates have already given birth? Benny Hill When I was a kid, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. My friend Hackett It is a scientific fact that if you take cholesterol from another person’s plate, your body will not absorb it. Dave Barry
Funny Quotes About Life Stock Photo 1277878753
Everyone has a purpose in life. Maybe yours is watching TV. David Letterman My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. He is now ninety-seven years old, and we do not know where he is. Ellen DeGeneres A person who can easily buy a novel for a few dollars does not realize that it takes a year to write a novel. First Fred Allen. the time I sang in the church choir; two hundred converts. Fred Allen Bakht has a large, caring, close-knit, loving family in another city. George Burns Happiness is a dry martini and a good wife…or a bad wife. Advertisement George Burns When I Was. The boy in the Dead Sea was sick. George Burns
Have you ever noticed that the person who drives faster than you is a maniac and the person who walks slower than you is an idiot? George Carlin I thought people read the Bible more and more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they are cramming for the final exam. George Carlin No more fun for the whole family. Jerry Seinfeld According to a new survey, 90% of men say that their girlfriends are also their best friends. It’s really disturbing when you consider that man’s best friend is his dog. Jay Leno It’s surprising that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always fits perfectly in the newspaper. the world is Love. Fortunately, I love money. Jackie Mason Advertisements If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. Johnny Carson
All that was once sin is now disease. Bill Maher Women can’t complain about men anymore until they start improving their taste. Bill Maher If you think it’s too hard for you, read the history books. Bill Maher This is the worst. Speedo. Bill Maher. According to a Washington Post survey, women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of the study, “Wow.” Conan O’Brien The only bathroom law I care about is the one against loud sighing. I understand that I should be more specific. Lily Tomlin
Funny Quotes To Live By. Quotesgram
The road to success is always under construction. Lily Tomlin God did not intend religion to be a gym. Nagib Mahfouz If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin Every time I think of something, I think twice. about it and I’ll do it anyway.Gilbert Gottfried Food tastes really good if someone pays for it.Gilbert Gottfried Advertisements The acronym is long for its exact meaning.Zach Galifianakis Anyone can be safe with a full head. Hair. But a confident bald man is your diamond in the rough. Larry David
If I wasn’t a golfer, I’d still be unhappy, but not as miserable. Larry David I am one of the few people who had a beautiful childhood in Hollywood. Seth MacFarlane Trust is 10% work and 90% imagination. Tina Fey Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. Steve Martin Advertisement My best contraceptive is just turning off the lights. Don’t let Joan Rivers second-guess the man for too long – she’ll surely find the answer somewhere else. Mae West I’m not for everyone. I’m barely there for myself. Marc Maron
Cleaning with kids is like shoveling during a snowstorm. Margaret Culkin Banning Son If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now shut up! They are about to announce the lottery numbers. Matt Groen’s Sunless Day is, you know, like night. Steve Martin The Internet is just a world where notes are passed around in the classroom. Scratch.Jon Stewart One thing you have to remember about the People’s Will: The Macarena didn’t take us over long ago. John Stewart My theory is that Scottish cuisine is all about courage.Mike Myers
Best Funny Graduation Quotes
If evolution really works, how
